Happy Birthday to my beloved ABAH!

Yay. Today is my dad's birthday. Hurm.....I wonder what my mom has in mind for today. My parents would probably go out tonight, without me that is, and celebrate. I always got left at home. *sigh* Well I'm fasting today and later I have tuition class. Yah! I'm so tired. It feels like I haven't rest forever. And I've been having headache occasionally nowadays. Well I guess thats it. Just keeping you updated. Thanks for reading. Annyong.

How I Handle My Stress

So, you probably know that this year I'm sitting for the most important exam EVER! So I've been stressing so much lately. I’ve remembered the year when I’m sitting for PMR. A month before the exam, I cried so much. I believe some of my friend might remember. It’s so crazy I thought I was going to die. Just like this year. But this year, it’s a bit different. I cry every month. That’s the only way I could do to release the entire burden. Sometimes I even have to force myself to cry because it’s just way too much for me to handle. I really hope for this year to end. Especially I’m the last person in this house to finish school and 6 years late. Urgh! And my parents and my brother especially is expecting so high from me. I really don’t want to let anyone down. I’ve tried everything to handle those stresses. I soo hate screaming on the pillow. I think it’s not worth it. Because for me, I have to see and hear the stress gone. And you can’t really hear your voice when you scream on the pillow and I don’t feel the satisfaction. Crying on the other hand, you could see your tears and the sobs is really wow. I would feel so much better after crying. I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s all going to be handle delicately.

Talk About a Boring Life

Few days a go, my best friend, Teah came to school that morning and said, “I woke up this morning and I just realize that I have such a boring life”. And I thought, Really? It’s not because I have such a great life, but because I’ve realize that since last year or maybe earlier. She said “I woke up this morning to iron my uniform and thought I did this and everything else that I did every single day over and over for a whole year”. It’s true. But my other best friend, Anna said “My life is so happening” and I was like What did she do at home? I have such a boring life because nothing ever happen in my life. And Teah asked me “What can I do to make my life not boring?” And I said, “You have to act wild”. I say this because its true. Wild people/girls never gets bored. Unlike us, the innocent stay at home girls. Eventhou I am very bored with my life, I feel very safe. Have you ever wondered how those sluty minxy whorey whore girls life is like? Well I think its not very safe. You get the picture. Ok I know that going wild is not the only way. But if you have great friends, you would have a fabulous life. I have great friends. Really awesome friends. But I’m a very boring person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But at least I live and I have friends. For all those people who relates to me, I’m so sorry that I’m such a boring person. I can’t wait to be at the next stage of my life so I won’t be such boredness to you guys. Back to Teah’s statement. The next day she said “I’m starting to enjoy my life”. And I was thinking Wow, that was very fast because I’m still bored. I don’t know what to do. Help? Some suggestion please?

My violent imagination / fantasies

Hello. I just got back from the clinic. My mom got irritated by my coughing. Before this, I’ve got a fever and a cold. But now, I can’t stop coughing. A week ago, my mom asks me if I want to see the doctor, twice. But I just shook my head. But yesterday, she made a statement, “You’re going to the doctor tomorrow” (Esok kite pegi jumpe doktor), she’s obviously annoyed by the noise I made. Well anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about me thinking violently. Have you ever felt mad at someone, I mean really mad? Just FYI, I always felt like that to people. I wouldn’t get mad at people if they did nothing to make me mad. But when they do make me mad, I would feel like attacking them right there and then and just strangle them to death. But of course I wouldn’t do that. What I do is, I imagine myself with a gun pointing to that person head, and then I shot them. And if I feel that it’s not enough, I’ll imagine stabbing them until I feel very satisfied with my work. Wait wait. Before you judge me blindly, just think about it. I think it’s much better than what I probably would do (I don’t even know what I would or could do) in real life. Right? I also think it’s a good exercise for my brain. You know, increasing the imaginary level. Don’t you think so? So, just a little side note, do not mess with me. Do you really want to be in my violent fantasies/imagination? Do you really wan to die aver and over again? But if you just really want to mess with me, thank you. You just boost up my imaginary level.

How I was before

Before I became this Una that you know now, I was a different kind of person. When I told you this, some people might say "Yeah right". But its the truth. I actually used to be a very shy girl. I don't even talk to guys. I only talk to them when I need to. If I had a problem that would need a guys help, I would think of something so that I don't have to deal with them. And some people may noticed that. Then, when I was 15 I think, there's a person, a guy, who suddenly told me I'm different ( Ko lain la sekarang). And I was like What different ( Lain ape)? And he said Different different( Lain la). Back then, I don't even know what he means, but just recently, I realized that I was different because I started to talk to guys and just communicate. I think I know why. I think its because used to make a wrong choice when it comes to guys. And I made that wrong choices because I'm lack of communication with the boys. So, to know one, you have to connect with one, that what I say. Now, I'm a more open person and I laugh very loud to.

Are you suicidal?

So, actually I saw this article in the paper about a women in London who died of drinking too much water. At first she drank 4 liter water a day and lose 5.2kg in a week. So basically she was trying to lose weight. And then she thought that if she drink a lots of water she will lose lot of weight. After 3 weeks, she lose 6.3kgs. Then she faint, and die. The cause of her death is that her brain swells because receiving too much water. So I kinda thought, 'Wow,that is an easy and painful way for those who wants to kill themselves.' No no. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not convincing people to kill themselves. But if you have to do it, stop using the knife and all those stuff that can torture you before you die. I am actually a bit curious about those who want to kill themselves. Because like everyone have a problem, but you don't see everyone in the world killing them self. If that happen, then there will be no human being in this world. I have to be honest if I want to talk about this. I am suicidal. There is a few times where I wanted to try it. But everyone knows that suicide is a sin. No matter what religion you are, it is a sin right? So, you really want to die with a sin? Why? Is it because the sin you're already carrying is not enough? That why I never done it. I already have a lot of sin which I know of and don't know of. And I'm gonna put on another the second I die? No way. Nobody is happy with their life. Well, some people is actually happy with theirs, but nothing last. Well I'm not happy with my life either. Sometimes, yeah. But the unhappiness conquers most part of my life. So it still make me an unhappy person sometime. But hey, look at the president all around you. They have a big problem. Their country problem, the world economy thing stuff that is not stable right now(am I right?).And their own. But you don't see them killing themselves. Before you do it, just think about people who care for you. Your family, your friend, there even people who you don't even know exits that cares for you. There's always someone there. If you want to kill yourself because you think no one care anymore, well news flash, there always people there. You just have to look, look around you, look everywhere. Just don't give up so easily. It bothers me seeing it in the news everyday. Its like a carnival. So, stop suicide and do something that you know can help yourself and others.